Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize