What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Vodka?
Forever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
