Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
