i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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