I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i believe in u and ur pee
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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