The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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