Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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