I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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