i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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