Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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