i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
