guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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