I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
