youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
