Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
