I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
