I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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