I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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