Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
