My friends, they love my intelligence
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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