My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
