i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
