Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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