They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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