: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
