What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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