Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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