i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize