I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
