remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Randomize
