don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
