im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
