I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I currently don't understand fingers.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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