don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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