My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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