May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
