there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
