I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
