You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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