Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize