I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
