i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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