my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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