did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize