the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize