A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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