WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
