There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
