Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
