I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
