real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
