very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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