Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
