I want to have your abortion
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
