I'm gonna have a badass scar
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
they need to just BURY HIM!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
