the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
