Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize