No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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