i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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