I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
