my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
