so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
