So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
