I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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