when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
