I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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