I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
