I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
