i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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